An Outdated Virtue?

How Can It Be Relevant If I Can't Pronounce It?

by "Dad" Thomas R. Labagh

Filial Love?  What's that?  What kind of a word is filial?  How is it pronounced?  What does that mean, anyway?  And why do so many Chapters have a Preceptor Cloth that says, LOVE OF PARENTS instead?  

Let’s go back to English Class for a moment:  The root of many of our words is Latin, and the Latin word for son is “filius.”  Filial Love is simply Love that is befitting, or worthy, of a son or daughter.  It is a love that is both automatic upon birth, and essential to the success of any civilization.  Yes, it is Love of Parents, but it is SO MUCH MORE than just an emotional attachment.

Filial Love, for DeMolays, is the PRACTICE of courtesy, affection, and obedience in the home.  We CANNOT SAY that we love our parents if we do not treat them with the same respect we demand from them for ourselves.  We CANNOT SAY we love our parents if we shrug off THEIR natural tendencies to show affection—those darn hugs and kisses in front of our friends—YUCHHH!—especially when we need to give those hugs and kisses back to Mom and Dad.  And we cannot say we love our parents, if we look for every way to thwart their rules, their curfews, their chores, their demands, and worst of all, their expectations of our success in school, work, sports, church, and yes, even DeMolay.  SAYING we love our parents, or even SAYING, “MOM… DAD… I LOVE YOU… isn't enough for DeMolays.  We must show it in our daily actions.

Sometimes, I wonder about the relevance of this virtue.  If you think about it, it is a strange virtue in today’s times, because, statistically, it doesn't have much meaning to many of our DeMolay Brothers!  So many of our members do not come from “traditional” families with “a Mom, and a Dad, two kids, and a dog.”  Recently, watching an the Initiatory Degree, I couldn't help wondering how many of our new brothers standing there COULD NOT RELATE to the simple concept of “HONOR THY FATHER AND THY MOTHER.”  

How many don’t have traditional parents, or even one parent at home, but rather, live with extended family, or a blended family, or in a foster home, or even an institutional home?  How did they feel when hearing this quaint language about the “home-loving, mother-loving, father loving young man?”  How did they relate to this Preceptor?  I could see some of their faces and could almost hear some of them say, “This doesn’t have any meaning for me….” or even worse… “Don’t these people know how much it hurts me to stand here and listen to this?”  And so I worry that we turn them off, and send them away with a view of our Order as simply out of sync with the times… an Order that has no meaning for them.  

Or, does it?

The Seven Cardinal Virtues are not  standards we all MUST REACH, or risk calling ourselves losers. They are, rather, IDEALS that we strive to promote and perpetuate. Because they are ideals, I would suggest that Filial Love is perhaps the most IMPORTANT of our Virtues, and we should give it most of our attention!  Here is why—-  sociologists give great weight to the strength of a family unit in the ultimate success or failure of a child to become a useful, productive and happy member of society.  Children who grow up with both of their parents statistically have the greatest chance at success.  The more traumatic a childhood has been, the less likely the probability of success, and NOTHING can be more traumatic than the loss of one or more parents, for whatever reason!

Here is where DeMolay can make a huge difference in the lives of its members!  Children-at-risk are most often those who come from non-traditional families—NOT ALL—I don’t mean to generalize—but statistically speaking, this is the truth.   DeMolay does two things in this situation—we talk about an ideal that we can all look at and strive to enact in our own families when we are old enough to have them.  Even more pertinent, we provide “surrogate” Moms and Dads who become role models and who give the personal attention to each and every member that ensures a successful Chapter, and perhaps, a successful life!

Do you remember how DeMolay started?  Dad Land’s heart bled for the quiet suffering of Louis Lower and his three siblings, whose father had died of an infection in his leg.  He reached out to Louis, gave him a job, became his friend, helped him finish High School, and ultimately felt that Louis was as close to a son as he would ever have.  He filled a void in Louis’ life at a time when that young man needed adult guidance and acceptance.  He modeled the Order of DeMolay’s future purpose—to become a family unit for those who needed Dads, Brothers, Sisters and Mothers. 

The First Virtue wasn't given its place by accident.  The language of the First Preceptor is not out of touch.  If someone hasn't grown up in a traditional family, how can he know its value?  How can he understand the emotional strength provided a son by both a father and a mother?  How can he say, "I want MY children to grow up in a better environment," if he cannot see or experience this model for life?  

In DeMolay, we offer a FRATERNITY FOR THE ENTIRE FAMILY, wherein all CAN learn to value something that they may never have experienced in their own family life.

Filial Love, for DeMolays, is the practice of courtesy, affection, and dutiful obedience in our homes, with our parents or the adult care-givers we are fortunate to live with, and in our extended DeMolay family. 

A Long Delayed Thank You

Earlier this week, I was packing up some boxes in my basement in anticipation of moving. The task seemed pretty menial at the time. I was digging through old photos, discarding items I no longer used, and generally creating order out of chaos. In one of the boxes, I found a stash of office supplies that used to be at my desk when I was in high school and college. It contained pencils, pens, a hole punch, etc. At the bottom of the pile, I discovered a small green box and recalled that it contained something unusual.

You see, in this box, was an honest to goodness fountain pen. That's right - one of those "old timey" writing instruments that were primarily used before the invention of the ball point pen. My memory having been appropriately jogged, I started remembering where the pen had come from. Then it struck me. I must have been 11 or 12 years old and the pen was a gift from an older couple my parents showed dogs with. I used to visit them and assist them with caring for their Pulis (a rare canine breed from Hungary.)

I decided to take the pen into the office and see if I could get it working. After a few minutes of cleaning out the ink and attaching a new inkwell, the pen was working smoothly and I was off and writing. Let me just say, there is nothing quite like signing your name with a fountain pen! Now that the instrument was back and working, I was curious about the value. I did a quick internet search and was flabbergasted. The pen, which I then held, was no ordinary writing utensil. It was a Cross brand pen with a 14k nib (the part that the ink flows to which touches the paper.) Little did I know, this pen was a very expensive gift to a very unappreciative "tweenage" me.

Now knowing the value of what I was given, and quite frankly, appreciating it a lot more, I called up my folks and asked if they still knew the couple who had given me the pen (as I hadn't talked to them in years.) They were    elderly and my parents hadn't seen them in quite some time. I took to the internet and tried to do some searching, but sadly, came up fruitless. So, to Bobbi and Bernie Silverman, if you ever happen to come across this blog post, please know just how incredibly thankful I am; not only for the pen, but for the life lessons you taught me.

As usual, you are probably saying to yourself "Wow, cool story, but what does this have to do with DeMolay?" As we approach the Thanksgiving holiday, I'm reminded just how ungrateful we generally can be. I know that I'm guilty of that trait at times. It's important to take time to say thank you to those that assist your life. Whether those persons be your parents (the first Precept, Filial Love), your Advisors and mentors (the third Precept, Courtesy), or your friends (the fourth Precept, Comradeship), we all need to find time to be more appreciative of those around us.

In that spirit, I have a thank you card to write (with my new pen, of course!)

Frat! ~ "Dad" Seth Anthony

Being a Man

I recently came across a great article over at the Art of Manliness entitled "6 Lessons I Learned About Being a Man from Growing Up Fatherless." Why am I bringing this article up? As you know, intrepid reader, there is always an alternative reason!

"Dad" Labagh, "Dad" Berry, and myself often have conversations about the DeMolay program. One of the topics that has come up time and time again is the concept of the first precept - Filial Love. In a time when a large number of marriages end in divorce and blended families are the norm, we've had many young men and parents say that they don't agree with the "nuclear family" concept that our first precept seems to preach. I can understand their concern, because in many cases in modern society, this just isn't happening any more.

However, I'd argue that the concept of Filial Love is still important. First, I'd like to use a quote from the article I referenced above:

If you have a father who’s incarcerated, or who left you, or who didn’t have much success in life, look for a father figure in someone else. Every man needs a father figure, even far into adulthood. You don’t even need to know him personally, and he doesn’t even need to be alive. Most successful men leave a legacy and lessons behind, whether in a book or video. You can then read, watch, and practice their advice; just like any other father figure. My four most influential father-like figures are Chris Gardner, Andrew Carnegie, Richard Branson, and Randy Pausch.

Just because you're in a situation where you family doesn't match the traditional view of Filial Love outlined in our ceremonies, does not mean that the concept is invalid. It's been proven through much sociological research that a two parent family is  much better prepared for child rearing than a one parent family. Therefore, as a DeMolay, I think it's important that we recognize the value in this kind of family unit and support that idea. Even if that family unit hasn't existed for you, there is no reason to deride its existence.

Family life can be a touchy subject and I assure you that it's not my goal to dredge up bad feelings. Rather, I wanted to contribute to a constructive debate about the modern day application of our principles. I hope that it at least made you think!

Frat! ~ "Dad" Seth Anthony

Following our First Precept

With yesterday being Father's Day, I thought today would be a good time to take a second look at our first Precept, Filial Love. Often this Precept is thought of as "sappy" or otherwise derided. I can firmly say that without that Precept, not one DeMolay would exist, as it's our parents that give us everything we have, and without them, we wouldn't have an organization.

Everyone is familiar with the Flower Talk as a way to thank our Mother's for what they have given us, but when was the last time you thanked your father? Not just for the physical things, but the emotional support and guidance as well? Perhaps it was your father who taught you to play sports, go hunting or fishing, or even how to use a computer. Where would you be without his love and guidance? I know there are quite a few rhetorical questions in my ramblings above, but I just ask that you think about how important your father has been in your life.

Another important aspect of this conversation regards our other Dads, meaning, our DeMolay ones. They are a vital part of our organization, and teach young and old alike skills that can't be found in school or in books. When was the last time you simply thanked the Advisors from your Chapter? A "thank you" can go a long way!

As a side note, I was curious as to where the tradition of Father's Day originated. Thanks to quick Wiki search, I had my answer, which I now share with you:

Father's Day is a celebration inaugurated in the early twentieth century to complement Mother's Day in celebrating fatherhood and male parenting. It is also celebrated to honor and commemorate our forefathers. Father's Day is celebrated on a variety of dates worldwide and typically involves gift-giving, special dinners to fathers, and family-oriented activities. The first observance of Father's Day is believed to have been held on June 19, 1910 through the efforts of Sonora Smart Dodd of Spokane, Washington. After listening to a church sermon at Spokane's Central Methodist Episcopal Church in 1909 about the newly recognized Mother's Day, Dodd felt strongly that fatherhood needed recognition, as well. She wanted a celebration that honored fathers like her own father, William Smart, a Civil War veteran who was left to raise his family alone when his wife died giving birth to their sixth child when Sonora was 16 years old.

The following year with the assistance of Reverend Dr. Conrad Bluhm, her pastor at Old Centenary Presbyterian Church (now Knox Presbyterian Church), Sonora took the idea to the Spokane YMCA. The Spokane YMCA, along with the Ministerial Alliance, endorsed Dodd’s idea and helped it spread by celebrating the first Father’s Day in 1910. Sonora suggested her father’s birthday, June 5th, be established as the day to honor all Father’s. However, the pastors wanted more time to prepare, so on June 19, 1910, young members of the YMCA went to church wearing roses: a red rose to honor a living father, and a white rose to honor a deceased one. Dodd traveled through the city in a horse-drawn carriage, carrying gifts to shut-in fathers.

It took many years to make the holiday official. In spite of support from the YWCA, the YMCA, and churches, Father's Day ran the risk of disappearing from the calendar. Where Mother's Day was met with enthusiasm, Father's Day was often met with laughter. The holiday was gathering attention slowly, but for the wrong reasons. It was the target of much satire, parody and derision, including jokes from the local newspaper Spokesman-Review. Many people saw it as the first step in filling the calendar with mindless promotions.

A bill to accord national recognition of the holiday was introduced in Congress in 1913. In 1916, President Woodrow Wilson went to Spokane to speak in a Father's Day celebration and wanted to make it official, but Congress resisted, fearing that it would become commercialized. US President Calvin Coolidge recommended in 1924 that the day be observed by the nation, but stopped short of issuing a national proclamation. Two earlier attempts to formally recognize the holiday had been defeated by Congress. In 1957, Maine Senator Margaret Chase Smith wrote a proposal accusing Congress of ignoring fathers for 40 years while honoring mothers, thus "[singling] out just one of our two parents" In 1966, President Lyndon Johnson issued the first presidential proclamation honoring fathers, designating the third Sunday in June as Father's Day. Six years later, the day was made a permanent national holiday when President Richard Nixon signed it into law in 1972.

In addition to Father's Day, International Men's Day is celebrated in many countries on November 19 for men and boys who are not fathers.

So, what did you do to honor your father yesterday?

Frat! ~ "Dad" Seth Anthony